Dude...Where did you put 3,000 Dow Points?

Other than Bloomberg , ‘The Fly ‘, and StockTwits stream on Twitter, I have cut down on my financial reading. I am still excited to grab a weekend Investor’s Business Daily just to check in on the leadership, but that’s been a waste of time lately.

I have learned that writing about stocks and the market, especially when the market sucks and there is no leadership, while somewhat boring for you, has saved me a fortune.

As for comedic and ironic headlines though…we are at all-time highs.

The UBS auction-rate stuff is a financial fiasco of new epic proportions . Bloomberg’s headline is classic using the word ‘Appease’. UBS is now trying to appease it’s clients that were stiffed by aggressive sales tactics by buying $3.5 billion of the worthless paper they sold. Here’s a thought…Why not just give away the $3.5 billion to clients before you piss it away. Great press, happy clients…you get it? Maybe even make a viral video on YouTube while you hand out the $3.5 billion…you YUTZ’s.

The SEC according to Bloomberg headlines…is issuing subpoenas looking for ‘manipulators’ in Fannie ‘Woops’ Mae and Freddie ‘Boom Boom’ Mac. Hello…we have UBS admitting they manipulated clients and you are chasing this? How about the SEC starts shooting fish in a barrel with their staff of FIVE and not chasing goblins and people on the Fannie Mae ‘can suck my sack’ Facebook Application widget thingy who are short 3 shares because the Cramer Facebook ‘Booyah’ Application widget thingy said to go to cash before 3pm on every Wednesday before triple witching Friday’s before full moons…you get my point.

This stuff is comedy gold for Jon Stewart and Colbert if they had the right people reading the headlines.

I know with the Dow down 3,000 plus points I should be more bullish, but I can’t be. I am optimistic, but frustrated and out of sync. Even stepping back and reading just headlines has me confused.

Time to do even less and watch Seinfeld clips like the one below…and PS – Thanks StockJockey for finding my latest appearance (from Toronto) on Fox Biz.

PSS – Another Ironic headline and story from my friend Eric at Blackstar…Wachovia downgrading AIG after it’s already down 80%. Wachovia whose stock is down 83%. They should downgrade themselves too.

Yes yes indooobedably Eric!